Things have gone the the birds, I tell you, To The Birds.
How do you work this dag-blamed thing? I'm sorry, Sentinel readers. We're having a bit of technical difficulties here on the battlefronts. Our reporting equipment has somehow transformed to ancient radio technology. Cell phones have been replaced by portable radios and my laptop is now a pad of paper and pencil.
The entire world around Neo Utopia is a crazy, mixed up place. I feel like I've been swept up into a holodeck program on the fritz from that old Star Trek show. What was new is now old school. The clothes are kind of snazzy, in a retro-vibe way, but other than that, well, the best I can say is this isn't Pleasantville.
It all started yesterday after we received the first confirmed report on what was happening outside of Neo Utopia after Director Nova summoned the heroes to the outskirts of the city.
Captain Ultra ID #15926
"This just in. Currently there are two major Evil Forces at Odds with our Heroic Defenders. They include, an evil Mob Boss with Reality Warping Powers, called Rutkowski, with a desire to return reality to North American Mobster Glory Days, and his fellow mobster, Steelfist. The majority of Super Heroes have chosen to engage what appears to be the greater threat, Rutkowski, while many untested yet valiant rookie heroes have engaged Steelfist.
At this time, further information is not availale, but we will try to keep you updated as we can."
After his report, the heroes began a battle on two fronts. The goal was to drive the mob boss and his brute squad back into hiding in the city. The most powerful heroes went after Rutkowski, the cause of the warping of time/space. A 'Junior' Force of heroes was instructed to combat one of his crew, Steelfist.
As of the time of this report, Steelfist has been defeated by the heroes sent to fight him. Rutkowski is proving more difficult. I can't say much on the exacts of the fight, as BADGE field scientists have lost use of much of their advanced technology. There fancy devices have transformed to binoculars, radio transmitters, and Geiger Counters.
I'm waiting for some words from the field...
"I started slow at first but was inspired by a strange-looking zombie and a weird silver guy to try harder. Then I found that I had other mental manipulation abilities under my sleeve that Steele's couldn't take.
In the end, somehow I was at the lead of all the heroes battling him but them I fell asleep and others had the final blow.
That was the best little raid ever (for me). I actually won two pieces of gear. The wrist is especially nice. Can we have another?" -- Der Engel ID#11301
Tabulators with BADGE have handed me some notes on the data they were able to observe during the fight against Steelfist. It seems that even while going analog, the scientists at BADGE have been able to find ways to give us meaningful information. Here are the top ten combatants from the Junior squad's efforts. The count we have at this time is that 193 heroes fought in this challenge.
Name: Damage # of Hits Average Damage
Der Engel 58,753 289 203
~\\\\ SADIST ////~ 57,778 182 317
TH€ PAIN£€$$ 45,092 156 289
zoмвιe eх-ɢιrlғrιeɴd 5¹ 44,895 176 255
Silver Paladin 37,361 162 231
~//// INFIDEL \\\\~ 33,856 152 223
street fighter 30,379 107 284
Rïñg M姆êr 27,278 129 211
Flashman 25,571 218 117
Dame Echidna 25,560 198 129
...
Um, yeah, ignore most of that last bit. Heroes, save us, please. I don't think the world would survive for long if we went back to those days, although the ladies did have some nice gams back then...
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