Chaz Hamilton here again with a different spin on the activities of our heroes. Often known only by what their powers are and who they fight, who isn’t to say that they don’t have other facets to their lives. Here is one such example.
Kid Chaos has taken to local stages and coffee shops for open mic nights and reads from a handwritten notebook, sharing his musings of different thoughts and experiences.
Crowds have gone wild with his humorous observations and anecdotes about heroes, both in fiction and in our world.
Simon Cowell has even been reported to have laughed in great guffaws during one of Kid Chaos's performances.
Here is an excerpt from his performance last week:
"Ooops! What was that glowing goop?
How about that, I CAN bench press a Buick.
Hey, why is the Buick trying to bench press ME?"
The crowd laughs politely as Kid Chaos mimes a car trying to push him away.
"I got my powers when I was bitten by a radioactive anarchist barista at Starbucks.
I actually got my powers from accidentally eating radioactive goop. (My mother was a very bad cook)."
The crowd mildly boos and scoffs at the jab about Kid Chaos's mothers cooking.
"True story, DC comics has a character who is a transvestite street. Yes, a cross dressing roadway.
Walt Disney's ghost gave my my powers. I gave them back.
My powers actually came from cannibalism. A zombie ate me. I got better.
My powers come from a full moon, it's kinda hard to get someone to drop pants in the middle of a fight."
Kid Chaos begins to unbuckle his belt. Women in the front row start pulling out singles.
"I was kicked off a superhero team once. X-ray vision is fun.
YOLO, unless of course you're a superhero.
I knew a super that drank nothing but brake fluid, he said he could stop anytime."
The band drummer riffs and strikes his drum, doing the traditional 'batt-ump-bum'.
"I knew a Chinese superhero who weighed 2,000 lbs. He called himself Won Ton.
Did you ever hear of the Israeli superhero who got his powers from Irish mythology? He calls himself Leprecohen.
Telepathy is very powerful, but do you want to know what people REALLY think of you.
Money is not a superpower...but..."
Kid Chaos holds up a cut-out of Ben Affleck's face surrounded by the Batman cowl to his own.
"The Putrid Punster and Ganja Man got together for a joint press conference.
If you have super strength can you pick yourself up?
Sexiness is not a superpower, but I like it.
I heard that Batman's power is Batluck which prevents him from becoming a Batstain.
Captain Marvel is a man, no, a woman, no, a teenage boy..... come on, make up your freaking minds!"
The crowd applauds loudly as a half female Captain Marvel/ half male Captain Marvel steps out from behind the curtain. (Think Victor/Victoria)
"Time travel sucks! Darn, didn't get back in time to stop myself. Darn, didn't get back in time to stop myself^2. Time travel sucks!
I once face a villain named "Condiment King". The fight ended when he ran out of ketchup.
In Black Panther the most advanced nation on earth had war rhinos. Seriously?
Old time superhero fight, Superman vs. Lex Luthor. Modern superhero fight, Ms. Woke vs Orange Man. Meh.
If you have enough big guns are you a superhero?"
A naval cannon is pushed onto the stage behind Kid Chaos.
"I got my superpowers with a magic word, "cash".
There was a military super whose power was making his enemy's younger. He called himself "Major Minor".
Manga is kicking the crap out of American Comics. Manga is an industry, American Comics is a cottage industry.
In both Marvel and DC, Vigilantism is passed down through the generations. Say what?
Where are the fun supervillains? Dr. Doom, Gorilla Grod, the Joker?"
A costumed Foxbat creeps across the stage, gestures for the crowd to be silent as he passes behind Kid Chaos, and sprays from a can labeled "Fart-Breeze".
"Mr Fantastic has the power of super elasticity. Just doing the math, he would have one of the most powerful punches in the Marvel Universe. A looping punch from him could punch through the front of a battleship and out the back.
The legion of superheroes. Okay.
The legion of substitute superheroes. Ehhh, okay.
The legion of superpets. No, just no."
Kid Chaos pulls a chihuahua with a red cape out of his pants.
"Spider-man, Blue Beetle, The Scorpion, The Fly, Mantis.... who thinks people sized bugs is a good thing?
I know a hero who has the power to glow in the presence of virtue. He is ... the Virtue Signaler.
Quicksilver, Flash, all of the human speedsters should shatter their knees when they make a turn at speed.
Is Chuck Norris a superhero?"
A heckler in the audience shouts out "you bet he is!!"
"So, Natalie Portman is going to be the next Thor. Well, Norway is next to Sweden. Sorry, very old joke.
Anyone remember Captain Pureheart?
There was a superhero in the '70s called the Geek who became president of the United States. No deeper meaning.
The Sub-mariner is marvel's version of Aquaman, Dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin. One question, how does someone who spends 99% of his time underwater have any melanin?"
A thoughtful silence overtakes the crowd as they ponder the deep question.
"I miss Charlie 17.
Come to the dark side, we have cookies.
Come to the light side, we have your family hostage.
Hmmm, something is off here."
The audience stands and give a 5-minute ovation, leading to an encore presentation from Kid Chaos.
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