Bok, bok, bok, BACAW!!! League Wars Egg-celsior.
This is Chaz Hamilton, bringing you the recap of Round Two of the current installment of the ever popular League War events.
What a bunch of mother-cluckers… We’ve assembled a special group of commentators for each division’s round recap. First, we have Foghorn Leghorn in Division 9.
That’s a joke, I say that’s a joke, son. Division 9, I say, where do I start. I think that Avengers 51: Rabid Pink Bunnies told the loon platoon “go away boy, you’re bothering me,” and the loon platoon listened. 34-0. The A-Team had a better exchange with the Sensational Seven, winning 30-20, but I say, I think they were afraid to come out swinging. It was more of a slap-fight than a competition with so few actual battles. Two teams that were about as sharp as a bowling balls were the Avengers 21 Mini and the Rock n Wrestling Connection. They got rolled around by the Star Force: Junior League (99-1) and L.U.S.H. (126-5) respectively. Now I need to go see about some chicken hawk messin’ around near my henhouse. Hopefully the next round will have some fights with contenders that aren’t as timid as canaries in a cathouse.
For Division Eight, we have by popular demand, EB himself.
Hi everyone! Man, its good to see you all. I’ve been sooo busy preparing a special surprise for everyone that I lost all track of time. Do you want to know what I’ve been up to? I bet you do. I’m sure you’ve seen the signs for Easter Village, haven’t you? If you haven’t, you need to look for it. It’s going to be egg-ceptional. And egg-stravaganza of fun for everyone. Come on over and see what I’ve gotten prepared for all of you.
<<A buzz goes off on EB’s pager>>
Ok, ok, Nova. I’ll tell them about Division 8, but I have to make it quick. I have a new batch of triple-dipped espresso beans dipped in Mexican chocolate that I need to test. Anyone want a taste? No. Why not? It’s not going to give you the caffeine jitters or anything—
<<The buzzer goes off again>>
Division Eight. Avengers 51 beats SUFFERING, 42-7. Raider Nation beats the WTF’ers 30-10. FireFly Fun Haus wins against the Purple Onion, 88-34. Finally, Mojo’s Dojo stomps the 5th Precinct Buddy Cops 52-1. Wow. 52 to 1. That’s the same ratio I use for cups of milk chocolate to dark chocolate for my latest cream filled egg, the Nova-licious. The secret ingredient in that one is a little bit of—
<Signal cut off at source>
For Division 7, let me introduce Camilla and Gonzo.
Hello. Hello. Hello. For my next act, Camilla is going to cluck out the scores for Division Seven of League Wars Egg-celsior as I ride my motorcycle around the outside hull of the BADGE Stellar Arena. Give me a cluck-down, Camilla.
Three, Two, One—
What, why not?
Oh, I’m sorry viewers. I’ve just been informed that Fozzy Bear didn’t get my paperwork in time to perform my stunt. I’ll just go over the scores instead for you. Freaks of Nature defeats the 5th Precinct: Night Shift 75-38. I’ve been called a freak of nature several hundred times. Maybe I can join them next season. The Magnificent Seven wins against the Team C+ with a narrow margin, 74-65. That’s pretty close, especially when compared to the NobleGates win against the B Team in their match, where the NobleGates won 65-17. The B Team? Hmmm. I wonder. A team of bees could be just what my daredevil act is missing. I’ll have to contact their leader, PappaBowTie, and see what kind of insurance policy they have. Little surprise here as the Avengers 51 defeats the Suicide Squad #2, 96-34. Marvel always beats DC, unless we’re talking the small screen.
Thank you Gonzo. Next, Division 6 recap by… really… that’s what she goes by? Division 6 recap by the Chicken Lady.
Do you have a Quarter??? BAK.
Sure, I’ll read it if you pay me a quarter.
5th Precinct: Code Blue defeated The Justice League, 73-23. Can I have my quarter now? No. I have to read more? OK.
5th Precinct Wise Guys defeat the Aussie Freaks, 95-90. How about now?? No. But I need a quarter so I can ride the pony like I did the day before. Read more… OK.
PAIN Inc. defeats Time’s Arrow, 87-14. Now? I have to ride my pony. It feels so good. One more… OK.
The Star Force defeats Illiterate Cowboy Est., 62-43. Give me my quarter. Give me my QUARTER. GIVE ME MY QUARTER.
bak… Bak… Bak…Bak. BAK. BAK. BAAAKKK!!! BACCAW!!!! <an explosion of feathers>
Th… th… thank you. I’ll see you again tomorrow, horsey.
OK, who is vetting these special announcers? Someone needs to be fired. Division 5 will be presented by the head of the world’s second largest fast-food restaurant chains, Colonel Sanders.
Well howdy League War fans. I’m mighty pleased
to be here sharing with you the scores from Division 5. Being the spokesperson for KFC, people often think I only know how to talk about chicken. I’m here to show that I can do more than talk about one of my $20 Fill-Up buckets or a two-piece and a biscuit. Firstly, we have the mighty fine 5th Precinct: Space Force deep frying the Galaxy Rangers. 124-48 is a rightly impressive score. God bless those Galaxy Rangers. They tried their little hearts out, didn’t they? Next, the Suicide Squad curb-stomped the Psycho Squad: Injustice League with a decisive 94-0 victory. Congratulations to all of those valiant combatants. I bet you’re all plum tuckered out after a hard day fighting. Why don’t you come on down and have some dinner at one of my fine establishments, ya hear?
Thanks, Colonel. Thank you for the frequent product placement talking points.
I hope you all are out there keeping your children well, because our next presenter from Marvel Comics isn’t one who supports bad parenting. I present Nanny!
Why are you children spending so much time fighting against one another? You should be ashamed. Good boys and girls don’t fight. They play dress up and sophisticated games like chess. If you can’t learn to behave yourselves better, I’ll do to you what I did to little miss misguided Storm. That Professor took her and made her into such an unfortunate little girl, didn’t he Orphan Maker? As for the scores, Avengers 51 had a flawless victory over Tygger’s Freak Show. That doesn’t sound fair at all, does it. 114-0. I think someone needs to teach these Avenger 51 people to be better sports, beating up on those poor, unfortunate children. Shame. The other match was slightly better. Well, not really. The mean bullies of 5th Precinct: Section 8 Pool Hall and Bar whipped the RG Creatures of the Night, 221-56. Hasn’t anyone taught the 5th Precinct league to be kind to animals? Orphan Maker, get the suits ready. We have some work to do.
Division Three has a royal guest presenter. King Humpty Dumpty, fresh from a visit to his reconstructive surgeon is here with those scores.
NO. I will not ascend the staircase to the second floor.
I do herby declare that no building or construction shall be made more than ten feet above ground level. Furthermore, a layer of soft mattresses will be place around all fencing and walls, in order to maintain the public safety of all citizens. Now, on to the scores. Legacy of Spawn has conquered the SOB HUNTER/KILLER league 95-67. Bravo to these fine champions. Also, in this division, the Avengers 51 proved their merit by dispatching the Seraphim Angels, 111-28. Wait, who is that there, taking my photograph? No, stop it. No pictures. I was not put back together with Gorilla Glue. Stay back. Guards. Get me back to my protective carton.
For Division 2, straight from the South Pole, we have Zen’s second cousin by marriage, Shequanda.
Hey. I wanted to come here and talk to the people and let the world know how proud we are of Zen, my man. Without him, nobody would appreciate our kind as we should be. We’re not meant to be kept in zoos so you can gawk at us through thick panes of glass. No. We’re people, just like all the rest of you. We just have flippers and a fondness for ice. That’s all. As for league wars, well, we all knew that the Avengers 51` was going to come out on top again. 157-13 vs those krazy clown assassins of the NMDS. Clowns are fun and all, but everyone knows that penguins trump carnival folks. Oh, yeah, if anyone is interested, Angels of Sorcery beat the 5th Precinct: Kung Fu Hustle 145-8. That’s cool. Good job. We’ll see what you Angels can do against the Avengers 51 next round.
Director Nova himself is here to announce the scores for Division One. Let’s welcome him with a round of applause.
No need, no need. I have to say I am proud of all the combatants we have seen enter League Wars Egg-celsior. Each and every one of you has shown a pride in your individual leagues that shows me the world is in good hands, whatever the future may hold. Don’t become complacent in your efforts to keep this world safe. Operatives of BADGE are still investigating the happenings in Las Vegas to determine who or what caused the attack by the giant robot. Don’t forget to turn in your individual reports on your activities during that encounter and the previous battle against Krampus and Lady Nova. Your input on your personal activities during these events is important to me.
As to League Wars Egg-celsior, as many believed would be the case, the Avengers 51 league will face the WMD-Black Order in the final round, vying for the gold ranking and rewards pertaining to it. My sincere best wishes go out to both of your leagues. 5th Precinct Omniversal Traffic Cops, you showed merit in your participation, even if you were defeated 147-11. Eleven wins against the Avengers 51 is something to be proud of, and more importantly, to build on. The other 5th Precinct league, the 5th Precinct Galactic, showed courage stepping onto the field of battle versus the winners of the last two league wars, the WMD-Black Order. Raw numbers might show a score of 116-0, but that does not reflect the tremendous journey each of you took to climb to this summit of competition. You honor your fellow heroes with your presence here alone.
As for the two winning leagues, I look forward to your competition in two days. I expect nothing to be left on the floor as you face one another. No quarter given or asked. Until then, rest and recharge your mettle. You are going to need every ounce of fortitude as you stand toe to toe against your opposition on the field of battle. Good luck, and don’t foul it up. (comment edited for younger Sentinel readers)
We will see you all on Wednesday for the final round of League Wars Egg-celsior. This has been Chaz Hamilton, BADGE’s official reporter from the Sentinel bringing you this round two recap.
For Division Eight, we have by popular demand, EB himself.
<<A buzz goes off on EB’s pager>>
Ok, ok, Nova. I’ll tell them about Division 8, but I have to make it quick. I have a new batch of triple-dipped espresso beans dipped in Mexican chocolate that I need to test. Anyone want a taste? No. Why not? It’s not going to give you the caffeine jitters or anything—
<<The buzzer goes off again>>
Division Eight. Avengers 51 beats SUFFERING, 42-7. Raider Nation beats the WTF’ers 30-10. FireFly Fun Haus wins against the Purple Onion, 88-34. Finally, Mojo’s Dojo stomps the 5th Precinct Buddy Cops 52-1. Wow. 52 to 1. That’s the same ratio I use for cups of milk chocolate to dark chocolate for my latest cream filled egg, the Nova-licious. The secret ingredient in that one is a little bit of—
<Signal cut off at source>
For Division 7, let me introduce Camilla and Gonzo.
Hello. Hello. Hello. For my next act, Camilla is going to cluck out the scores for Division Seven of League Wars Egg-celsior as I ride my motorcycle around the outside hull of the BADGE Stellar Arena. Give me a cluck-down, Camilla.
Three, Two, One—
What, why not?
Oh, I’m sorry viewers. I’ve just been informed that Fozzy Bear didn’t get my paperwork in time to perform my stunt. I’ll just go over the scores instead for you. Freaks of Nature defeats the 5th Precinct: Night Shift 75-38. I’ve been called a freak of nature several hundred times. Maybe I can join them next season. The Magnificent Seven wins against the Team C+ with a narrow margin, 74-65. That’s pretty close, especially when compared to the NobleGates win against the B Team in their match, where the NobleGates won 65-17. The B Team? Hmmm. I wonder. A team of bees could be just what my daredevil act is missing. I’ll have to contact their leader, PappaBowTie, and see what kind of insurance policy they have. Little surprise here as the Avengers 51 defeats the Suicide Squad #2, 96-34. Marvel always beats DC, unless we’re talking the small screen.
Do you have a Quarter??? BAK.
Sure, I’ll read it if you pay me a quarter.
5th Precinct: Code Blue defeated The Justice League, 73-23. Can I have my quarter now? No. I have to read more? OK.
5th Precinct Wise Guys defeat the Aussie Freaks, 95-90. How about now?? No. But I need a quarter so I can ride the pony like I did the day before. Read more… OK.
PAIN Inc. defeats Time’s Arrow, 87-14. Now? I have to ride my pony. It feels so good. One more… OK.
The Star Force defeats Illiterate Cowboy Est., 62-43. Give me my quarter. Give me my QUARTER. GIVE ME MY QUARTER.
bak… Bak… Bak…Bak. BAK. BAK. BAAAKKK!!! BACCAW!!!! <an explosion of feathers>
Th… th… thank you. I’ll see you again tomorrow, horsey.
OK, who is vetting these special announcers? Someone needs to be fired. Division 5 will be presented by the head of the world’s second largest fast-food restaurant chains, Colonel Sanders.
Well howdy League War fans. I’m mighty pleased
Thanks, Colonel. Thank you for the frequent product placement talking points.
I hope you all are out there keeping your children well, because our next presenter from Marvel Comics isn’t one who supports bad parenting. I present Nanny!
Why are you children spending so much time fighting against one another? You should be ashamed. Good boys and girls don’t fight. They play dress up and sophisticated games like chess. If you can’t learn to behave yourselves better, I’ll do to you what I did to little miss misguided Storm. That Professor took her and made her into such an unfortunate little girl, didn’t he Orphan Maker? As for the scores, Avengers 51 had a flawless victory over Tygger’s Freak Show. That doesn’t sound fair at all, does it. 114-0. I think someone needs to teach these Avenger 51 people to be better sports, beating up on those poor, unfortunate children. Shame. The other match was slightly better. Well, not really. The mean bullies of 5th Precinct: Section 8 Pool Hall and Bar whipped the RG Creatures of the Night, 221-56. Hasn’t anyone taught the 5th Precinct league to be kind to animals? Orphan Maker, get the suits ready. We have some work to do.
Division Three has a royal guest presenter. King Humpty Dumpty, fresh from a visit to his reconstructive surgeon is here with those scores.
NO. I will not ascend the staircase to the second floor.
For Division 2, straight from the South Pole, we have Zen’s second cousin by marriage, Shequanda.
Director Nova himself is here to announce the scores for Division One. Let’s welcome him with a round of applause.
As to League Wars Egg-celsior, as many believed would be the case, the Avengers 51 league will face the WMD-Black Order in the final round, vying for the gold ranking and rewards pertaining to it. My sincere best wishes go out to both of your leagues. 5th Precinct Omniversal Traffic Cops, you showed merit in your participation, even if you were defeated 147-11. Eleven wins against the Avengers 51 is something to be proud of, and more importantly, to build on. The other 5th Precinct league, the 5th Precinct Galactic, showed courage stepping onto the field of battle versus the winners of the last two league wars, the WMD-Black Order. Raw numbers might show a score of 116-0, but that does not reflect the tremendous journey each of you took to climb to this summit of competition. You honor your fellow heroes with your presence here alone.
As for the two winning leagues, I look forward to your competition in two days. I expect nothing to be left on the floor as you face one another. No quarter given or asked. Until then, rest and recharge your mettle. You are going to need every ounce of fortitude as you stand toe to toe against your opposition on the field of battle. Good luck, and don’t foul it up. (comment edited for younger Sentinel readers)
We will see you all on Wednesday for the final round of League Wars Egg-celsior. This has been Chaz Hamilton, BADGE’s official reporter from the Sentinel bringing you this round two recap.
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