I, for one, am eggs-hausted after today’s first round of battles.
Nothing pleases me more than seeing brave heroes fighting one another instead of going out of their way to crack open one of my schemes. Let’s see what we can make from today’s scramble, OK?
In Division Nine… what, you wanted me to start with Division
One! Well, get over it, I’m feeling a bit deviled right now, so you’re just
going to have to wait.
As I was saying, in Division Nine, the loon platoon took the
Rock n Wrestling Connection to the mats with a decisive 147- 70 win. There’s no
putting that Humpty Dumpty gold dream back together for RnWC this league war.
The A Team diffused the Avengers 21 Mini, 71-12. I can’t help but pity
those fools. Avengers 51 Rabbid Pink Bunnies humped the Legion of
Super Heroes, or L.U.S.H., into submission 32-1. LOSER PARTY at Denny’s, boys
and girls. Have a grand slam platter on Mayor CJ. He has coupons at the gym. Lastly,
The Sensational Seven schooled the Star Force: Junior League in their match, eeking
out a 77-61 win. I do have say, when I see the Sensational Seven’s logo, I am
reminded of my good friend Julie Newmar. Or is it Eartha Kitt? Eh, who cares
really. They were both purr-fect, weren’t they?
In Division Eight… I have eight more divisions to recap!?
Nobody told me that by opting for community service in exchange for years off
my sentence would be this… rotten.
Avengers 51 flipped Mojo’s Dojo, 29-0. I hear
they found crates of smuggled bananas hidden in the basement. 5th
Precinct Buddy Cops learned a new word in their match-up today, losing 22-0.
That word would be, spell it out with me children, SUFFERING. I mean, did those
cops even try?? I don’t think so. After that snooze-fest, you could get some
excitement watching The Purple Onion getting peeled by The WTF’ers, 98-43.
There was enough crying going on in that battle round Niagra Falls would be
jealous. Finally, Raider Nation took the thrill out of the Firefly Fun Haus,
46-27. It’s all fun and games until somebody pounds your bottom like Bane on
Batman’s spine.
Division Seven had the 5th Precinct Night Shift
hitting snooze for 24 hours straight as they fought NobleGates, losing 18-0. I
will be honest, I’m a big ole’ fan of goose-eggs, but if the 5th
doesn’t wake up and get in the game soon, they should be sent directly to the
retirement center. YAWN!!! The Suicide Squad #2 graded Team C+ and, well, they
didn’t pass. 64-2. Yeouch!!! Maybe there needs to be a short bus for next
league war? Viewers did get to see some action as The B Team and the Freaks of
Nature tore into one another. In the end, the Freaks came out more like Awkwards
as they lost 42-87. They sounded so terrifying at first, but they ended up just
little puppies who peed on the furniture. Concluding this division, the
Avengers 51 had nothing but a good time as they rode the Magnificent
Seven to the ground, 127-21. Just like the Lone Ranger, the losing team from
that match up can only hope for silver. <ba-dump, boom>
What? No applause. Geez tough room.
Division Six… OMG… when do we get to the divisions with only
four leagues already… we have The Justice League relying on Zan, Jayna, and the
monkey for a win against PAIN. What?? The Wonder Twins aren’t members? That
explains the 70-0 loss then. Moving on, we had cowboys vs cops, or I should
say, Illiterate Cowboys Est. showing the 5th Precinct Wise Guys the
ropes. This match went 102-71 in favor of the Illiterate Cowboys Est., but at
least the 5th Precinct showed up to the table this time. yippie! (Is
there a lower case I could use to show my lack of enthusiasm?) Oh, here is
another 5th Precinct team in this division. 5th Precinct:
Code Blue fought Time’s Arrow, losing yet again 26-72. I myself find myself exhilarated
by this outcome. If the cops around here are always this stellar, maybe I need
to move my operations here from Gotham? The last match-up from this division was
between The Star Force and Aussie Freaks. 117-62, the Star Force shone as those
from down under put up a great fight, but unfortunately forgot to bring their
top kangaroos.
Oh, yea, only four teams in Division Five. Where do I start?
With the really good match or the really, really good match. Both of the
winning teams came out on top with resounding victories. I mean, they trounced
their opponents. The losers got hit hard enough their children’s children felt
it. The Suicide Squad made the Galaxy Rangers into their personal tour guides
as they came out on top, 127-0. And hold on to your hats, people. The 5th
Precinct: Space Force WON against the Psycho Squad: Injustice League, 119-25.
Congratulations.
Division Four had more ass-whoopery as the Avengers 51 caught
RG Creatures of the Night square in the headlights and defeated them 196-19. That’s
some roadkill nobody will want to clean up. And for the second time of the
evening, the 5th Precinct has shown that they have more than their
bellies resting in their holsters. The 5th Precinct: Section 8 Pool
Hall and Bar went TTFN (ta-ta for now) to Tygger’s Freak Show with a 19-3 win.
Bravo! Maybe I will be able to congratulate them again in later divisions.
<the sound of flipping papers> Oops. Upon reviewing my notes, I guess
not. Sorry if I got you eggs-cited there for a minute.
Division Three winners included Avengers 51 defeating
SOB Hunter/Killer 157-38. Do the Avengers 51 ever get tired of
winning? Do they have Charlie Sheen on speed dial as a motivational speaker? I
don’t know, but whatever it is, it is working. In a far closer match, the
Legacy of Spawn managed to squeeze out a victory over the Seraphim Angels,
71-54. It could have been a wider gap, but some of the Legacy of Spawn combatants
couldn’t help but keep swinging on Captain Bob and giving his league some free
wins. “But I like the high ones!!!” Krystal Fae was heard exclaiming when confronted.
(For those who don’t get the reference, watch A League of
Their Own with Tom Hanks and Geena Davis, also staring Rosie O’Donnell and
Madonna. Ok, sorry. I didn't mean to give you reasons not to watch it.)
Nearing the top, Division Two has the Avengers 51 and
5th Precinct: Kung Fu Hustle—ok, I’m just going to say it here and
now. STOP. There are too many of you and I am sick of having to use
superscript for both your damn league names. Geez. Get a life, already— fought, giving the
Avengers 51 another notch on the gold bedpost, 185-6. Angels of
Sorcery rejoiced as the triumphed over the NMDS 129-32. Even Hollywood wouldn’t
touch that mash up. Angels vs Clowns. Sounds like something I saw on an acid
trip back in the 60’s.
Just in time before the security staff takes me back to the
asylum, we have reached Division One. WMD-Black Order and the Avengers 51 have
proven what we all expected. We have our Godzilla and we have our King Kong,
and the two giants both won their respective challenges this round and are one
step closer to that final big battle deciding who will earn the gold. Walking
away with egg on their faces, two 5th Precinct teams must be
wondering why on earth they are even there. Fighting for bronze, that’s why.
Division One bronze is the best bronze to have, right?
Nah, but it is better than a participation badge.
That’s all the time I have for you tonight. Rest up and have
a tall glass raw eggs for breakfast. That is the breakfast of champions. Those yolks
are like liquid sunshine as they slide down your throat. Ahh, yum! I’ll see you
again after round two. It’s been eggs-crutiating.
OOOO’s (I don’t do xs unless my lawyer is present)
Egghead
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