Tug of War Fan-Fiction: "A Hero's Holiday" - Part Three

By Madam Marvelous PID# - 26130

When you hear about food fights, or in this case a FOOD WAR, fought with hamburgers and hot dogs, you would think that flying meat would be the predominant weapon used. The meat does make for a good, solid projectile. The buns mostly fly off the disk-shaped patties and the surprisingly well-balanced wieners, but neither of these is the true obnoxious villain of this battle royal.

This fight, however, is all about the condiments.

Even Dexter would have a difficult time contemplating the splatter patterns given off by ketchup, mustard, relish, minced onions, and all the rest of the fixin’s after heaping the garden onto the main course items. Jackson Pollock would be grinning ear-to-ear at the abstract patterns covering both the heroes and the beach.

After the original attack’s launch, pretty much every hero joined in.

Slagathor, a shapeshifter like myself, grabbed hot dogs still connected to one another and fed them into a slot in his arm. He reformed it into what appeared to be a Gatling-style gun with chambers for inserting bottles of ketchup and mustard. Within seconds, he was pelting the hamburger tossers with deadly accuracy.

Magical heroes utilized spells that manifested burgers and hot dogs, reducing the wait for additional ammunition to be created. The Wizard made use of his pet dragon’s fiery breath to add extra sear to the hot dogs he brought into being, making his attacks flaming hot on impact. The ShitShow flew in the skies overhead and pelted the crowd below with a rain of hot dogs, letting gravity do the work for her. Captain Picard, who came from the stars, if you didn’t already know that, was locked in a heated battle with Abyss, each dodging and weaving as they looked for their opportunities to get a shot in.

Being fairly new to the entire hero game, I take a position behind the table where hot dogs are being served and help disperse ammunition to heroes in need. The last thing I need is to throw a hot dog at the wrong person and forever be cast in a bad light with my new BADGE family.

Everywhere I looked, heroes reveled in the chaos generated by the impromptu competition. Laughter echoed out in every direction. Even special agents Gar and Chase joined into the fray, hurling meats like all the rest.

I searched for Director Nova but wasn’t surprised not to see him. He would likely either still be recovering from the events on the BADGE Space Station during the battle with Arx or working hard to discover the identity of the culprits behind the recent attacks.

The tomfoolery continued well into the evening. The beach was a disgusting mess, covered in so much debris that I expected F.E.M.A. to be called in. I glanced back over at the food tables and was surprised to see them still full of food. There were hamburgers and hot dogs aplenty, but the true star of the concession table were bowls of strawberry shortcake, laden with huge dollops of whipped cream and sprinkled with glistening sugar-coated blueberries.

Clearly, Agents Justin and Leslie had prepared for every eventuality. Large bins filled with ice held massive quantities of summer refreshments. Large pitchers of both strawberry lemonade and traditional lemonade were circulated to the relaxing heroes as they picked out their choice spots for the evening festivities.

And none of the food littering the beach went to waste, either. All the heroes had been given the opportunity to bring their pets, so a veritable zoo of hungry critters devoured the leftovers on the beach.

As the stars began to peek out of the darkness as twilight set upon the festivities, different heroes took turns and performed pyrotechnic displays for the crowd. The sky became the ideal pallet for a light show unlike any other. Aflima takes on his Phoenix form and dazzles with his mastery of flames. Dr. Silver Strange Surfer uses his cosmic powers combined with the mystical arts to create a breathtaking array of explosions that entrance the crowd. Prysmatica uses her ability to manipulate light to bring the constellations to life with elaborate holograms.

The night is brought to a close by a fantastic aerial demonstration by Hot Wings and a formation of other winged heroes that would put the Blue Angels to shame.

After the entire scene is cleaned up and left better than it was found, with a small amount of grumbling from some of the less nature-conscious heroes, I return with Agent Leslie and the other hero initiates to the shuttle.

Tomorrow, we begin a special training program to help harness our true capabilities. Part assessment, part mentoring, we will be rigorously challenged to discover our best heroic selves.

I can’t wait, but I will definitely need a good night’s sleep first. I never thought that slipping wieners to so many people would be so exhausting.

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